Food Groups

Today we go back to Kelsie, our American friend. Or rather our American friend's American friend. This gives us the opportunity to see interesting parallels between Susans on both sides of the Atlantic. Our Susan-watcher Emily relates to us...

"this morning she was eating a Pop Tart, and said she was proud of herself for having a vegetable in the morning. I looked at her meal and asked exactly what the vegetable was.

She identified them as the blueberry sprinkles on top."

A slow clap ripples across the internet. Well done Kelsie.

Meaty

Today's entry comes from a reader who calls himself Happy Phantom. Upon reading about my conversation with Susan about sweet potatoes (http://stupidcolleague.blogspot.com/2006/07/hot-potatoes_23.html), Mr Phantom was inspired to tell me about a near-Susan experience he had whilst he and his brother were talking to a pub landlord. Yes I know this story can be found as a comment on the above story but it deserves an audience. This specimen has that great hallmark of Susan-ness (would it be Susan-ness, I tried to think of an appropriate word but the only other one I could come up with was Susansarandon)- that confident belief in the obviously wrong.

"Landlord: Do you know what the biggest carnivore in the world is?

My brother: (thinks) Er... Killer Whale?

Landlord: I said biggest land carnivore.

My Brother: No, you didn't. But... Polar bear?

Landlord: No, they're not true carnivores. They eat... lichen, and stuff.

My Brother: (beginning to suspect something is wrong) Uhm, ok... You tell me, then.

Landlord: (triumphant) It's a badger.

My Brother: .....

Turns out, it was the right answer, but to the wrong question. He'd once been quizzed upon the largest carnivore native to the British Isles."

American Idiot

This latest entry to our files comes courtesy an Emily from the US (or someone who likes to use the name Emily in their email address- I wouldn't know why, you'd have to ask Emily. Or Angel.Or Dave whatever her real name may be). She has a friend, Kelsie is her name. Kelsie is from Texas and, according to Emily, "wants to be a pharmacist because she thinks it's something to do with farming". I'm also told that the fact that she's from Texas should have some cultural significance that our American readers may enjoy. Perhaps they're laughing right now. Possibly while discussing which jock they will take to the prom. While eating a Twinkie. Weirdly it doesn't matter how many parts of America I go to- I still seem to have gathered all of my knowledge of the place from a John Hughes 'movie'. Sorry for reducing you to national stereotypes but if it's any consolation I do look a little bit like Hugh Grant, would be too nervous to use a chat-up line, and say 'sorry' compulsively. And I have shit teeth.

*composes himself*

Anyway. From the amount of stories I have been sent, Kelsie may well rival the original Susan for sheer commitment to stupidity. It sounds like there's a consistency at work here but I guess time will tell. Two lovely examples this week- when Kelsie's teacher said he had to go get a flu shot, she asked him why he was at school if he had the flu. Although that pales next to when someone conversationally said to her that atomic bombs never would have existed if it wasn't for computers, and she asked "They make atomic bombs out of computers?".

Bring Me Laughter!

This one comes from the lovely Ian Green. It displays more sweet ignorance than out and out stupidity but I love it. He refers to her/him as a Susan. Personally I think this is slightly unfair (yeah I know this is coming from a man who has a website about the idiocy of an unwitting colleague). To me this is a classic example of how Susan lurks within all of us, ready to pounce at any moment. Over to Ian...

OK here's one. A while back I was buying some tickets to go and see The Play What I Wrote - the theatrical tribute to Morecombe & Wise. Very good actually. Being of a chummy disposition I sent an email around the office along the lines of:

"Does anyone want tickets for The Play What I Wrote? If so let me know."

A reply came back from one Susan:

"Sorry I'm busy that day and won't be able come and see the play what you wrote."

Ah Bless!

What Will They Think of Next?

This contribution comes from Paul in Bradford. His Susan is of the male variety and his story is a good 'un. Paul is a father-to-be. Paul, being a proud father-to-be keeps a picture of his gestating offspring on his mobile phone.

He showed this pic to a colleague. To which he received the priceless reply:

"wow it really is amazing what phones can do these days, isn't it?"

Yep, his Susan thought he had a mobile phone with the ability to carry out ultrasound scans of foetuses. I actually don't think the original Susan would say such a thing. Beautiful.

Welcome to Simon's World of Susans

A few months ago I began a website dedicated to the mutterings of someone with whom I work. It was fun- I laughed, you laughed, she doesn't know about it and I dare say that she wouldn't laugh if she did. Susan, as she is known in cyberspace (yes, I've got a 1996 dictionary of internet terminology and I'm going to use it) seems to have stopped saying things of such comedic stupidity that they earned pride of place in my internet exhibition. Luckily I've built a new wing to my virtual museum of the foolish to ensure visitors all year round. And I've employed guest curators- YOU!

I was at someone' s house last night and they told me a story of a friend of theirs that was so, well.. Susan, that it deserved telling to you all. I could have lied and attributed it to Susan but that would dilute the purity of the site, as everything else on there is true. I will publish the story tomorrow, but until then I'd like you all to go forth into the world, and if anyone says something so stupid you want to tell your friends, tell me as well. And I will tell everyone else. We can all laugh. Maybe eventually Simon's World of Susans will contain every stupid comment ever told. Now that would be something.